I’ve been feeling I don’t know, guilty? lately for posting about all this deep inner stuff. I get the feeling that people read it and think I’m in such a dark place, and I guess the reality is that this is just my reality now. This is my every day life. I have trauma and will for the rest of my life. I get triggered every single day and disassociate, I feel grief at the most unexpected things, I get angry at the system, this is just my life every single day. I share about these things to educate and bring light to these realities. Many people have told me that they were extra-shocked to learn the truth about what I’ve been through because I always have a smile on my face. And it’s true, I do. I hide this stuff and deal with it privately when it affects me. I mean, when I’m at work and something triggers me and I disassociate, how am I supposed to say, “Sorry I just had a flashback where I was reliving the paralyzing fear for my life. What were you saying?”
I just wanted to put it out there that considering everything, I really am doing okay for the most part. I am STRONG. And I mean, STRONG. I’m honestly (and not to be cocky) one of (if not the) strongest people I know. I don’t go to bed crying every night. In fact I only cry occasionally these days when the grief is triggered. I am in a pretty good mood overall (surprising considering I stopped taking my meds because I was so over the weight gain – ps don’t tell my psychiatrist).
I have so much to live for and that drives me every single day. I’m not done living my life. I’m not done adding good to the world, doing what I can to help others and make their lives better. I come home at the end of the day and snuggle with my dogs and think, “I’m staying here for you. I couldn’t leave you.” And I have plans for how to help others. I’m currently writing my first book with plans for two or three more books after this. I have a lot of things going for me. Heck, I just graduated with my second masters degree!!! I doubled up on classes and got it done even while I was being abused and immediately after when I was inundated with the trauma and grief. Yeah, I did that. I’m working three or four jobs right now. I teach summer school in the morning and immediately leave to go teach driver’s ed. Every single day I’m working 12+ hours. Literally, every day. I’m working 7 days a week. It’s a lot, I’m crazy I know. But I’m saving up money for my new chapter. I’m selling my old furniture and buying new things for new memories and the fresh start. It’s a lot but I’m doing ok.
I don’t want to say any of this is easy, because it isn’t. It’s just my new normal and I’ve had to adapt. This is my life now. It will never, never be the same. But I’m strong. And I am proof that despite the horror and trauma, I can survive. I can continue surviving. I can thrive. And I can do okay. I am doing okay. Well, considering.
❤
Sarah's Story 