I’m moving. In less than two weeks, I’m packing everything up and starting a new chapter in a whole new state. This has been exciting and something I’m looking forward to, but recently I’ve been feeling a lot of grief and guilt come up. Grief and guilt about Kirby and Daisy.
Our life together was here. We grew up here, Arlington Heights was Kirby and Daisy’s home. Their entire lives. But even now I have to remind myself, their home was with me. I was their world. Thoughts like that, the truth, bring me peace. But still I grieve and feel guilty.
I’m selling a lot of my furniture as I prepare to move. I want to start over, completely fresh, and shed these parts of my old life.
I sold my bed, the one Mat had slept in. Moving on. But guilt and grief, for that is the bed that Kirby and Daisy and I shared together. I have too many pictures and videos from Kirby and Daisy in that bed, their safe place, their comforting space, so I feel guilty. I feel so guilty that I’m shedding them too.
I’m selling my dresser. This one is really hard for me. On the left side of my dresser, the bottom is all chewed up from when Daisy was a puppy. When she was a baby baby puppy, we put her in her kennel during the day and the baby she was, she gnawed on and chewed up the bottom of my dresser. At the time I had been so annoyed because it had been a brand new dresser. Now, it’s the mark of love. Daisy’s mark. Her literal mark on my life, my world. It is very hard to know that I’m not bringing it with me. I feel guilty that I’m not bringing that piece of Daisy with me.
To offer some comfort about the dresser, I’ve connected with the sister of one of my former students who will be taking the dresser. That really brings me peace. I know it’ll be going to a good home and I appreciate the connection.
The other day, I broke down sobbing in grief and guilt for Kirby and Daisy. It was over the most random thing. Shortly before Kirby and Daisy were killed, I had caught them on video doing their business. I don’t know why I had filmed it, but it’s been a video I cherish because they were doing it in tandem. As I write this, I’m fully aware how this comes off and I know it’s weird. But this is my grief and the video is meaningful to me. So the other day, Rosie and Joey did the same thing. They did their business in tandem and I got it on video because this was carrying on a piece of Kirby and Daisy. I went inside after that moment and sat on the couch and started sobbing. The grief just overcame me. So much. So much guilt. All at once, released in a flood. I sat there sobbing on the couch, completely devastated. “I’m sorry!” I cried out, over and over, much like the night Kirby had been killed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I sobbed. And I know I wasn’t in a place where I could save them. I was trying to save my own life, and those of my parents. I was being abused. But still I feel guilty.
And then Kirby and Daisy came to me and offered me comfort. I am a firm believer in carrying on energy past this life on earth, that Kirby and Daisy are alive and well in a space I’ve not yet arrived at. But they’re with me all the time. And sometimes they come to me. I know they’re with me constantly. There are times where I can point to a spot on the floor or couch and show you where Kirby and Daisy are. I’m very strongly connected to them, as they are to me.
And so as I lay there sobbing, Kirby and Daisy came to me, and Kirby said something to me. At that very moment, Joey plopped himself in my arms and snuggled up next to me. And Kirby said, “Love me through him. Love us through them.” Kirby, bud, I know you’re always with me because that’s exactly what I had worked through with my therapist recently. The grief, the guilt. But knowing that I carry on the love I have for Kirby and Daisy by loving Rosie and Joey. Kirby knew I needed to hear that. And it’s true. I love Kirby and Daisy immensely, and I will for the rest of eternity. They reminded me that these pieces of furniture I’m parting with are just a piece of our story. I carry them with me in all that I do. I carry them in my heart, in the tattoo on my finger, in the love I share with Rosie and Joey. And I know, truer than anything, that Kirby and Daisy are coming with me to Colorado. They’re excited for me. They feel the love I have for them through the love I show Rosie and Joey.
Grief and guilt are a huge part of this. I mean, a huge part. But where there is grief, there is love. Love, love, love. Oh, so much love. Always, everywhere. As I say, from me to you. Love everywhere. So I grieve and feel these emotions, but I also love. Hard. Love, love, love. We are love. So much. Love.
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