It’s situational. And it’s trauma, and I accept that and I’m in therapy to cope with it, so I’m ok. I accept the hurt and pain and grief (that’s the hardest one) and allow myself to feel it when the feeling comes up. And as for situational, I hate my job, I’m suffering there, and I need out. I’m applying for other jobs and I have an interview on Wednesday (so send me good thoughts & energy).
My mom was here this weekend and it was amazing. Much needed. We spent some quality time together and saw the gorgeous sites around us in the mountains. It was beautiful. My mom made the comment that it’s incredible that I’m doing this (dealing with the suffering in my life from work) without meds. And I responded that yes, because I don’t need the medication right now. In February, when I went on Zoloft, I did not want to be alive anymore. It was an all-the-time feeling. I’d wake up feeling as low as I’ve ever felt and the feeling would continue all day. I would think of how if I died, I would be with Kirby and Daisy again. So I contacted a psychiatrist and went on meds again because I knew I wasn’t in a good place and didn’t want to be feeling that way anymore or having those thoughts of wanting to die. I needed meds then. Now, I hate my job, not my life.
My job makes me miserable for so many reasons that I might update later in this post. I dread the thought of going to work in the morning. The fact that I have a five-day week ahead of me makes me very upset. I hate my job and am planning on leaving teaching. It might be permanent, it might be temporary, but I need to take care of myself. The stress from my job is having physical effects on my health. I’m more triggered lately because my psyche is stretched so thin. My eye has been bloodshot (in the same spot as my coworker) and I swear that’s because of stress. I’ve been having really bad heartburn lately. I feel like I’m going to pass out when I stand up. I’m fatigued at the end of the day. My complexion is shit because I’m breaking out in the zones where zits pop up due to stress, and I swear my hair is getting thinner and less naturally wavy and is falling out more. So I’m going to leave my job. It might be tomorrow, it might be next week, it might be two months from now, but I know the end is in sight. I need to take care of myself and no job, no child or student (no matter what anyone says), is worth my health. I’m going to change the world. I’m going to help people. I don’t have to be a teacher to do that. I don’t feel good about myself and I know it’s because of my job. Almost the entire staff is miserable and suffering and not wanting to show up to work each day. It’s a toxic environment. I might be the first to leave, I might be the only one to leave, but I’m going to leave. I don’t like feeling miserable. I’m not myself. I’m not myself in this job and I won’t tolerate losing myself. I love myself too much for that.
So yeah, I’m not ok but I’m fine. I’m going to be ok. Right now I’m not and it’s ok because this is temporary. I’ll get back to my bright, shining self soon. But for now, I cry a lot, I’m sad a lot, and my chest hurts randomly. But it’s temporary. I’ll be ok. Someday, soon 😌
Sarah's Story 