I figured I’d write a new blog post since I forgot to edit the original post last week.
I’m dating again, and yeah, he and I are officially official (like committed, in-a-relationship, dating).
He’s an amazing, amazing person. This is legitimately the first healthy relationship I’ve been in, which is awesome, but also brings out some challenges for me. Our communication is great (although he might disagree sometimes) but it really is. It’s healthy. I have a lot of things I’m working through that a) I’m grateful to have the opportunity to work through because he’s so great and this is a healthy relationship, and b) I’ve never fully worked through before. Like:
I’ve never learned how to be told no and be okay with it.
I’m learning how to communicate my needs and be upfront about them (which is challenging because when I don’t, I get frustrated and project it on him even though it’s a me thing – but hey, my therapist and I are aware of it).
Intimacy, just being with someone and spending time together, is a huge thing I have to/want to work on. I’ve been FIERCELY independent for two years now. I’ve been doing my thing, having my space, reclaiming my life, for two years now. And learning to share that with another person, no matter how amazing he is, is a lot. I’m aware of it but it’s challenging sometimes.
I’m learning how to share time and space and needs with a partner. (to continue the above thought,) I have to figure out how to balance my wants/needs with respecting him as an individual too. It’s hard! I grew up in an environment where my needs vs. the needs of others was greatly skewed, so my perception of that is off. My internal compass is so strongly pointing in the wrong direction that it takes a lot of effort to get it going the right way. And I’m just beginning that.
I went on a walk yesterday, a “thinking walk” as my new partner calls it. And I realized something. I have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. And I accept that. Now, that by no means will be easy. But I have a great guy who sees me and all of my story, sees where I have growth to make, and accepts me for it. Wow, like what is that. Phenomenal and incredible, I’ll tell you that. I mean it when I say he’s a great guy.
I’ve gone 29 years with these engrained patterns and behaviors and I’m working on them. It’ll take a while and I know it’ll be a long journey, but I’m so grateful to be on it. So let’s celebrate the little wins:
I have a recovery of about ~10 minutes when I’m upset. I need a few minutes to feel my feelings, to process them, and then I’m ready to talk. That’s INCREDIBLE (for me)! And then when we talk about it, there’s never, ever, any yelling. It’s a mature, adult conversation and then I’m ready to move on. That’s a huge win for me (and him too!).
I know to remove myself from a situation when I’m in my triggered feelings. My partner calls them “thinking walks” as a joke, but they really are helpful and a sign of health and maturity. I process my feelings on these walks, get my alone time to not engage in these feelings, and then I come back and am at a place where I can talk.
And, I identify that the “badness” are all triggers from trauma I have, both from domestic abuse and my upbringing. I get triggered a lot, like a lot-a lot, and even identifying them as triggers is huge. It’s easy for me to feel so guilty and resent where I am, but I have to be appreciative of who I am and where I am, and where I come from. I’m in a really good place. And although it doesn’t always feel like it, especially in the (too frequent for my liking) moments when I’m triggered, I’m in a good place. My partner and I are in a good place. I get triggered. I have trauma. I have anxiety. It’s a LOT. I have overcome, I have survived, SO. MUCH. And I’m in a good place.
And so, we begin a new chapter of healing. One I haven’t had the opportunity to explore up until this point. And I’m ready for it. I see it, I see where and who I am, and I’m ready to grow. To continue healing. Because that’s what it is: healing. And I’m in a good place. I have a phenomenal guy who has me as I am, and I’m in a good place.
Things are good. It’s hard, but I’ve come so far and will continue rocking this journey of healing and growth.
C, thank you for being you and for having me. You’re a phenomenal, phenomenal human being and I’m so happy to be with you.
Well, with all that being said, I’ll say ta-ta for now, friends! I have a meeting to prepare for (hint: I may or may not be speaking at a webinar for a DV shelter to share my story – more info to come!!) ❤
Sarah's Story 