I had a panic attack last night {triggered}

And I haven’t had one of those in a while. I was triggered and I felt my body go into the freeze mode it always did when I was terrified for my life around Mat.

My boyfriend is so great but his driving gives me severe anxiety and ultimately it led to a panic attack last night. My car is in the shop for several days, which is HARD for me. It happened on my birthday and that has been very very hard for me. I’m so independent and having to rely on somebody else is really difficult. So my (very generous) bf is driving me around while my car is getting worked on.

Anyway, last night we went down to the city to pick up a pizza I hard ordered (my favorite Chicago pizza – yum). Now, the guy does this thing when he’s driving where he gets veeerrrryyyyy close to the bumper of the car in front of him. I’ve told him many times it gives me anxiety but alas, here we are. Last night he told me to stop commenting or criticizing his driving because it is what it is and he knows his car. And boom, triggered and panic attack. Just like that. I felt very unsafe and powerless and it brought me right back to those car rides with Mat. Mat used to take me on the highway and go 95+ mph. I was terrified for my life in those moments and later learned that’s a form of physical abuse. Every time we went somewhere in Mat’s car, which was usually, I was held captive to him. That day he killed Kirby, I was held captive in his car the entire day and was utterly powerless. I was terrified for my life with paralyzing fear. Since then, I really, really hate when other people drive me around. I hate it. It brings me back to those moments of feeling powerless and terrified and feeling like I’m going to die. And so now, being without my own car and having to rely on somebody else to drive me around, it very, very hard for me. Because my anxiety is so heightened (especially as we’re in the Anniversary Zone and coming up to the Big Anniversary of Kirby’s death this week).

So I sat in his car last night, silently paralyzed with fear and anxiety, triggered into the memory of being with Mat. I couldn’t even look at my partner and not looking at him made it all the more real that it was Mat driving me again. It’s scary, really.

I started to tear up and just count the moments until we got back to my apartment. And when we did, I ran back to my bed for some privacy to deal with the panic attacks. I started doing butterfly taps and taking deep breaths as my therapist had taught me. I kept repeating to myself “I’m safe” and trying to calm my body down. But I was crying and my body was in a state of utter terror.

So now my boyfriend, the amazing guy he is, is going to drive me to do my grocery shopping and then drive us to a baseball game this afternoon. I appreciate him so much. And, the thought of getting in his car and him driving me around with his driving habits that already make me really nervous… it scares me.

So, I had a panic attack. And I’m terrified of having another. Being brought back to that state of utter terror, your body paralyzed with fear … it’s not something I’d wish on anybody.