It’s 3am and I can’t sleep, but that’s typical these days. And when it’s 3am and I can’t sleep, my mind wanders. And it usually wanders to my story. To Court. To what lies ahead this week. And today, now, this 3am brings me back to my story. Particularly Daisy. And I’m beginning to cry, and I haven’t done that for my story in a minute.
On Thursday, he is set to plead guilty for what he did to Kirby. That’s a lot. So I’m lying here thinking about that and everything that happened. I’ve been reflecting on my victim impact statement and working on writing it and editing it. And so I’ve been very much in the thick of my story and experiences and what happened to us.
So I’m here thinking about Daisy. Particularly about how the day after he killed Daisy, he had me groveling to him, begging for forgiveness. Why? Because I had told my ex, Daisy’s dad, that she had died. And to my abuser, that was unforgivable. He had me begging for forgiveness the entire day after he killed Daisy. He made me spend almost $700 on a gift to him to beg for forgiveness. That was the day after he killed Daisy. And then the next day, two days after he killed Daisy, he went after Kirby. He had his dog attack Kirby. I came running into the room, my bedroom, and threw myself on the floor between his dog (his big, vicious German Shepherd) and Kirby, as his dog attacked Kirby. And I screamed. I screamed “stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop!” over and over again. I sobbed, begging him to stop. I sobbed, begging my abuser to call off the attack he had ordered. I sobbed, begging him not Kirby too.
And that’s when things really got worse. He killed Daisy just three weeks into us “being together.” Three weeks into him being in our lives. He killed Daisy just three weeks into it. And that is INSANE. And from that day, the next morning after he killed Daisy, that’s when things became infinitely worse.
So now my abuser is pleading guilty for animal cruelty for killing Kirby. He’s pleading down from felony charges to a misdemeanor. I’ll probably make a whole other post about that.
For now, I’m just reflecting on everything. I’m an advocate now and I will continue to live the rest of my life sharing my story and doing what I can to help others, inspire change, and make a difference.
And, it’s 3am and the tears are rolling down my cheeks. To be here, to be writing about this, to be preparing my victim impact statement, to flying home to see my/our abuser plead guilty, I have gone through tremendous and profound suffering and grief. I’ve done a lot of work to process everything. Four and a half years of trauma therapy. And I’ve processed a lot of the grief. But it’s still there. It will always be there. I will live the rest of my life with this as part of my story. That I lost my two beloved best friends, my dogs, my entire world, to him and this abuse. And it all happened in just 12 weeks.
I grieve for my dogs. For what he did to them and to us. My heart aches.
I will live the rest of my life with this loss, this experience, this hurt and suffering. And I’m better at managing it but it will always, always be there. And it isn’t fair. My abuser gets to plead guilty to a misdemeanor and I live the rest of my life without Kirby and Daisy. So justice. Grief. Kirby and Daisy. I miss you.
Sarah's Story 