What the future holds

Sometimes I feel like I’m so ready to be done with teaching. And other times I feel like, how could I ever give this up? And that’s just the reality of it.

I love being a teacher. And I’m good at it. Like really good at it. Like, hypothetically, if my school were to be declining in enrollment and I were to be at risk of losing my job, the principal would call me into his office and tell me not to worry because I’m incredible and losing me would be a huge huge loss to the school. Hypothetically, of course.

And it’s true, I’m really good at what I do. I put my heart and soul into every aspect and facet of being a teacher. I do the professional developments, I constantly reflect on my craft. Heck, I initiated a one-on-one mini reflection project with our school’s instructional coach to address the huge worldly question of why kids aren’t interested in school anymore. And I took that and am adjusting in my instruction and craft to be the best I can be for students and to support them as best as I possibly can. Because I’m good. I make the school and department so much better, and you’re probably thinking “wow sheesh this lady is really tootin’ her own horn here,” but it’s true. And my school’s administration and all of my colleagues know it and tell me this too. It’s just who I am. I put my heart and soul into helping others and being the best I can be. You see it with my career, you see it with how I’ve rocked therapy for 12 years now, and intensively for the past 4, to truly be the strongest and best I can be. Because that’s just who I am.

And, sometimes (actually often) I wonder what the future holds. And I think I know what it holds. Scratch think, I know in my heart what it holds. I will forever be a teacher, that part I know. But in the context of a traditional school teacher forever? I don’t think so. I’m really happy where I’m at right now. It’s a great school with a great community and they afford me so many incredible opportunities that I’m just thriving in my career right now. So like, why not go out on top?

I’m not saying I’m quitting teaching now or this year. I’ve committed to two more years here (honestly, because if you teach in this state for 5 years, the state will match your pension contributions). So, who am I to give up a great opportunity like that?

But as for after that? Who knows. We miss living near family. And I know in my soul that I have a lot more to offer this world. Not that I’m not doing enough as is by being a teacher, but I just know I have more and in more contexts. I want to be an author. I will be an author, that I know. I have at least three books in my mind (and on paper) to be finished, and after that, I think it would be really cool to try my hand at being a fiction author. I know I’m a good writer and it’s something I really enjoy. Plus, I want to do more with advocacy and helping victims and survivors of domestic abuse. I know I want to try my hand at doing that more hands-on. Hands hands hands. Anyway…

Plus, I compartmentalize my life a lot and I’m kind of worn out by it. I keep my personal life really private from work. I don’t share all about my story or what I’ve been through. I don’t talk about it at all. I had a former student follow me on Instagram recently and I really sat with the decision of allowing her to follow me for a few days. Because if she did, she’d see my secret life, my real life (as weird as that is). But, it’s who I am and what I am, so I allowed her to follow me.

But it does wear on me to keep these huge parts of my life separate. But they’re always connected. People ask me all the time, what brought you out here? Why did you move out here? And my answer is always the same. “Well, I was born and raised in Illinois my whole life and wanted to try something new, and I heard great things about here…” which sure is true, but is it the full truth? No. The full truth is I had so much trauma there was no way I would fully heal living back home in Illinois. Plus, I had lost my job and there weren’t many openings for Spanish teachers around me, so I took the chance to leave and did it. And it’s been really great. But constantly sharing this half-truth just gets to be defeating. And also, the fact that I have four animals. That’s something that comes up often enough as is too. Four animals? Wow, that’s a lot. And yes, it is. But what I don’t tell them is why. Why did I get four animals within the span of a year? Because I was grieving. Because I was surviving the greatest trauma I’ve ever gone through. Because I needed them. I would not under any normal circumstances have brought home four animals probably ever, let alone in the span of a single year. But why did I? Because of my trauma. Another truth I can’t freely share or acknowledge.

So it just gets to be a lot and wears on me. I love teaching and my life with a passion and it brings me tremendous joy. But I also want to try balancing out my life differently, just try something different.

So, two more years. That’s what we’re committed to. And after that, who knows? Who knows what lies ahead? I’m excited for it nonetheless. Excited to be tired, but maybe in a different way for a change.